You ever have one of those days (or weekends) where everything you’ve been sweeping under the rug decides to build up into a giant dust bunny & just destroy your illusion of sanity? Of course you have, you’re human (I hope), but you probably haven’t described it in that way. I normally wouldn’t either but I’m trying to make myself laugh because I just had one of those weekends. I’ve left my couch once for silks practice, once for a shower, & once for food this weekend…& then a couple of times to take my dog out & transfer my flesh sack to bed. I just dragged myself to a coffee shop to write this because coffee shops fix everything & I’m not giving up on the hope that I WILL have a meet-cute over coffee one day.
What kicked off my current emotional turmoil? A lot of little things done and said over the past couple of months that I know had no malicious intent behind them, but doesn’t make them hurt any less. It all boiled over on Friday when I was in a hit-and-run. Let’s start from the beginning…
I walked into the farmer’s market Friday morning to get a latte and my dealers—I mean, baristas, looked a little run down. I asked them how their morning was going and they replied that people had been rude and impatient. That seemed odd to me because these guys are normally super positive and the crowd at this location usually seems laid back. I shrugged it off and walked over to the flower booth to talk to my flower friend while I waited for my drink. I asked how she was and she shook her head. She was getting really rude emails from customers. I told her about the rude coffee customers and made some dumb joke about Mercury being retrograde and that it must be one of those days. My day was going great. I’d had a date the night before with a guy that had taken me on 3 dates in a row the week before and I was supposed to go out with him again that night. Yes, I said supposed. A clue, a clue! He seemed genuinely interested in me and I was interested in him, so of course, I was super excited about it. I went to work and all was relatively fine. Work is stressing me out right now. We’re launching a Kickstarter campaign for a show that I created (!!!May 1st!!!), which I’m incredibly excited about and I’m grateful that I have this opportunity, but everybody and their 2nd cousin wants to tell us what we should do or what we should change or what they don’t like about what we’re doing; And when you’re constantly being told you have no credentials or experience & you shouldn’t be tied to your concept, among other things…it’s a little soul crushing. That with the fear that you’re going to get screwed over in some way because you’re not as business (or legally) savvy as the sharks you’re swimming with…and it’s tax season & you’re an independent contractor…It’s a lot.
So, I’m working on our Kickstarter video, which we might have to re-film, and reformatting episodes for delivery of our other property, and editing an email list (all these things are a priority), and I get a text from the boy to cancel our date that’s been planned for a week. His texts are short, no explanation at first, no rescheduling…I sense that something has changed. I ask if it was something I said the night before, but he’s at work so no immediate response. That on top of the stress at work and an impending aerial test that night for promotion to the next unit (which I’d failed to promote a few months prior), had me on high alert. I decided to take a drive & go to Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Protein & waffle fries will help!
Attempting to turn left into Chick-Fil-A on South Boulevard is so dumb. It’s always so congested and Friday was no different. I make poor life choices. I was stuck waiting on the road for space to clear in the entry way when some ass hat trying to turn left out of Chick-Fil-A thought they could slip between me & the car behind me…guess what? They couldn’t. They hit my 6-month-old baby Civic and took off. White Chevrolet sedan with no license plate…feel free to give them the finger for me. I took off after them in a thankfully-I’m-not-blind rage, hoping to catch them at the red light & read the paper they had in their back windshield. They pulled into a Quick Trip to avoid the red light & I lost them as they pulled out onto some back street. I lost it. I parked and called my mom when a woman came up to me to tell me what direction the ass goblin went…I’m sure she thinks I’m incredibly dramatic considering the size of the scrape on my car versus the tears streaming down my face. SHE KNOWS NOTHING.
An hour later, I go back to work to be filled in on a bad phone call and given more to add to my priority list and asked to work the weekend. Eventually I mention the hit & run & for some reason I open about the canceled date. I’m told to “take a chill pill,” which we all know is the best thing to tell someone when they’re upset, and I’m told to focus on what we’re doing because, “This is your life, this is your career…” Great. Now I feel inadequate for not being career-driven to the point I can ignore the other aspects of my life and control my emotions.
Eventually I’m told why the date was canceled, that it had nothing to do with anything I said, but I can tell something has changed. The texts have changed from, “Why hasn’t someone snatched you up yet?” and countdowns to seeing me again to short, bro-like, half-assed banter. Perfect.
I hate to admit it, but I have always let boys affect how I feel more than anyone ever should. I try to be “cool” and to be easy & fun & to keep them at a certain distance so maybe, just maybe it won’t hurt as bad when they leave. Of course, that doesn’t work. In the past 6 months, I’ve had one guy breakup with me, then come back only to leave again a few weeks later, another guy just reschedule date after date until he just stopped texting all together, and then this guy flip on a dime with no explanation. I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing something wrong or if I don’t measure up their expectations. Dating is exhausting; But It can be fun and it can be a great learning experience when both parties are open about what’s going on and what they want and don’t want (see last relationship blog here). Sure, some things are hard to talk about, but we’re adults now. It’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
So, that’s the work and dating aspect of my emotional explosion. Did I mention I was dismissed from an audition in front of a room of people also auditioning for the same part? It was my 3rd call back ever after 3 years of auditioning. They took actors back to audition in pairs. After my partner & I auditioned, they had us wait in the lobby with everyone else. A rep came out after a few minutes and told my partner they wanted to see him with someone else and asked him to stick around awhile. She looked at me and said, “And you can go.” Let me tell you, that felt great & was not at all embarrassing. You know what else felt great? Some of the people closest to me critiquing my living space, telling me what I’m doing wrong with the space that I live in that they rarely ever step foot in. Is nothing sacred?!
I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I’m supposed to be moving forward in some way, but my career has no defined “next step,” and my dating life is stuck in the same soul-sucking cycle, but I can’t find a way out and everyone around me seems to have an answer or a critique for every aspect of my life. Part of the problem is, I ask for it sometimes…because you can’t do life alone…and I currently feel pretty freakin’ alone. I have family & friends, absolutely, the best; But 98% of the people around me have their (or a) person. I haven’t had someone in my life that wanted to be around consistently, in years. I haven’t had someone that was proud to call me their girlfriend in what feels like forever. I’ve lived alone, just me & my dog, for 6 years now. Going home on bad days & reaching out to long distance friends for comfort only to find that they’re busy with their person and you’re alone time & time again, can be excruciating.
People say, “Well, you shouldn’t get into a relationship until you can be alone comfortably.” OMG shut-up, I’m so comfortable being alone. I’ve traveled alone multiple times, I take myself on dates, I do most things by myself and I have for years…have you?
“You’re still so young!” Yeah, but it gets harder when you realize you’re doing the same sh*t alone, year after year after year and your friends aren’t & now they’re MAKING people to be with. WHAT?!
“Get involved in something and meet new people.” Yes, mom, I will but a lot of these organizations cost money, & my tax estimates just went up so…
I’m a touch more cynical than usual, forgive me. I don’t feel like being rational today. I want to whine a bit about my personal fears and feelings of inadequacy. There’s no conclusion or great realization for this post…other than the realization that I am more emotionally driven than I like to admit. Great.
For now, there’s this. I feel better having written it all out.
Oh, & did I mention I’m PMS-ing and just finished watching 13 Reasons Why?
Ugh. Do not do those things simultaneously.