I’ve been sitting half-on, half-off my couch for an hour now, paralyzed by what I’ll reluctantly call anxiety. I mean, I guess it’s anxiety…I don’t know what else it would be called. I just feel stuck. I’m bored with my job. I’ve been saying that I love it because I did love it, but right now, I’m bored. I absolutely want to work in the entertainment business & I feel like my job is a good place to learn, but right now there’s not a lot for me to do & I feel worthless. I also hate sitting in a corner with no windows for the better part of the day. The thing is, I’m sure there are things I could be doing for work that I’m not thinking of or things I could be working on on the side (since I’m technically an independent contractor & take my own computer), but how am I supposed to do that if I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to be doing? Do you know what I mean?

Someone I follow posted a quote the other day about what makes a leader versus a follower…I’d look it up but it doesn’t matter. I just want so badly to be a leader. I want to make my own path and work for myself, & I have an absurdly delusional vision for what I want to do with my life…but I’m so scared I don’t have the foresight and know how to do it.

When I was younger, I remember wanting to be Britney Spears so freakin’ bad. I would dance in my room at night with my Discman tucked into the waistband of my Limited Too PJ shorts. Sometimes I jumped hard enough to wake my mom up. She’d open my door, one eye open & whisper-yell, “What are you doin’?”

“…nothing.”

“Quit dancin’ & go to bed. You’ve got school in the mornin’.”

“Okay, night, love you.”

I’d dance for another hour, & wow am I getting sidetracked.

I really wanted to be Britney Spears & I was convinced I could be a pop star. Why was I convinced I could be a pop star? Because “I’m good at doing what I’m told.”

I am not kidding you. That was my reasoning. My pre-pubescent brain thought, “Oh yeah, I’d let some giant marketing machine tell me what to do & I’ll do it. As long as I get to perform & dress like Britney.” I was basically ready to sell my soul at 14.

27 year old me is glad to have a soul; But now I’m stuck with this catch 22 of hating being told what to do, but feeling the need to be told what to do…or at the very least, some suggestions would be nice. I guess I’m just not mature enough to know what needs to be done in order to get where I want to go. I’m not even sure of where I want to go anymore.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m trying to fix all of me at once. I had a break up last month, and no matter how nice & amicable the break up, there’s always some hurt; And when I’m hurt, I just try to overhaul the whole shebang because a part of me believes if the guy left, I must not be good enough. Oh damn, look at me being my own therapist.

I’ve actually toyed with the idea of going to school to become a therapist. I’m sure I would be an awful therapist. I’m under the impression that we’re all just trying to figure it out. So if we’re all just trying to figure it out…who am I to tell someone that the way they’re doing it is wrong? It all comes down to the fact that I don’t believe I have much of anything significant to say. Sometimes I think I do, but then I think, “Eh, they don’t want to hear this bullshit they’ve probably heard other people say a million times better already.” You might be thinking, “Uh, you have a blog where you write long ass posts. You obviously think you have something to say.” Maybe? This, and by this I mean Microsoft Word/my blog, is where I get to work these things out. This is my therapy. This is what helps me organize my thoughts. My current state of mind is “headphones that have been stored in the bottom of your bag” or the vacuum bag after you vacuum for the first time in 4 months…speaking of which, BRB. I decided to start posting & sharing these “thought process” blurbs because, well, I want to; & I hope that posting these will eventually somehow help me to build the confidence I need to start saying things out loud.

This whole downward spiral is sponsored by a video I took of myself dancing that is SO BAD…I’ve been questioning if I could ever dance in the first place. I even took the video knowing it was going to be bad because I thought it would be cool to do a progress video once I improved. I still expected myself to be pretty good from the start and when I was not, I panicked…& here I am. I want results, but I want them now. I’m a true millennial, I suppose. I wish I knew why I’m having a hard time accepting myself as a work in progress right now. I keep thinking I’m on the wrong path because I haven’t “seen any results” yet. I don’t look like Amanda Cerny or have a triple digit salary yet or a 401K or a person that wants to be by my side for the majority of this shit show. Also, I’m kind of sorry for the language in the past few posts, but I feel that they help get my frustration across.

Anyway, I feel a little better now that I’ve junked up a digital piece of paper with my problems. I wish I had a pep talk or hopeful, inspirational paragraph to end with, but nope. Not tonight. I’m bad at faking it. If anyone reads this, mom, I’m okay. I know this too shall pass (only to come back next month). Just one of those nights where you gotta let it out. Why not let it out on the internet? #relatable

**Update**

It’s the morning after. I received a call from my endocrinologist’s office, & it turns out, my thyroid levels are high. So, I have an excuse! I have hypothyroidism & I can usually sense when my levels are off because ^^this^^ kind of insanity happens & I feel a bit muted & depressed, so I feel better having my suspicions confirmed. Doesn’t make the things I wrote last night any less true, but the negative feelings seem to overpower and take focus away from positive feelings when my levels are off. I’ll write a better post about this soon. 🙂

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