Disclaimer: this post has nothing at all to do with people saying “Thoughts & prayers” in times of tragedy. This post just happens to be about my thoughts & prayers. KBYE.
I had a really good idea for a short blog last night, but I didn’t write it down because I was in that magical place between asleep & awake, so guess what…
Yup, completely forgot what it was. I’m sure it’s not as great as I think it is, but I’m writing out my current thought process to see if it comes back to momma so here we go.
Choo, choo here’s my train of thought…no planning, no editing.
Last night I was on Twitter. I go through long bouts of ignoring Twitter, and whenever I go back to reading Twitter I wonder why I ever left. Twitter is great & I liked a tweet about someone farting themselves awake. Classic. After that I bypassed a lot of tweets about things I didn’t understand. Someone posted about appreciating friends that accept when you text them back 4 days later. Holy cow. Hashtag Me AF. Sorry, friends & thank you for being so understanding. I try to do better, I really do. When I don’t respond right away, it’s not me avoiding you. It’s either 1 – I haven’t done my homework. You asked me about something I was supposed to do & I haven’t done it yet so I try to do it really quickly & give you an answer. 2 – I got distracted & forgot.
Like I forgot this GREAT blog idea. I remember thinking of it & thought, “Eh, that’s not enough for a blog post,” but then I was like, “Who cares, your last one was a mile long, people like short. You’re short. Write short things.” Man, it was so good too.
I watched too much YouTube last night, per usual. I really do think I have a bit of a problem. Let’s check out my watch history & see if anything jiggles my handle…
Can you even check out your watch history anymore?
Oh yeah, there’s a “history” button. Nevermind.
Okay, I watched something about birth control…Candace Cameron…Marina Joyce…
I remember thinking I want to write a blog about religion & my beliefs but that was definitely not the short idea I had…that’s going to be a long ass post.
I’ve been thinking a lot about old relationships thanks to our sketch show…have I ever told you guys I found out I was cheated on [again] via an app? There’s a whole story there & it’s pretty hilarious now that I’m not heartbroken. I haven’t decided whether or not to write about it, make a video about it, or use it for my first stand up…or not do it at all. Sometimes I feel weird talking about past relationships because obviously, they involve another person, but most people I’m around now don’t know anything about the people from my past. Do you guys find that bizarre? People in your present or your future have no idea of the people in your past, no matter how much impact they’ve had on you? Unless you tell them, of course. But who goes around talking about how other people have personally affected them? That’s what blogs & art are for, right?
I also feel weird writing about it because it’s all one sided. I write about how I was/have been affected and how I felt/feel & blah blah blah…But I know that I’ve hurt people & affected them too. In some ways I know and in some ways I have no idea. But that doesn’t mean my thoughts & feelings are invalid. Have you guys heard the Louis CK bit about when he was 19, there was a gay man that owned a club that was “always trying to f*** me” (his words). Then when he was older & reminiscing with a friend he realized the truth was, “There once was a gay man.”
He realized his thoughts were clouded with the idea of a gay man & it created this reality in his head that wasn’t true but he didn’t realize it wasn’t true until he was older & less ignorant? I always try to keep that in mind. I look back on situations that made me really angry or upset or hurt me & try to see them for what they really are, and usually I think, “Oh yeah, we were young & dumb & human & yeah they did that but I did this & it’s all whatever now.”
Is that what moving on is? I suppose, but it doesn’t erase how you felt about it at one point. I saw a picture the other day and it didn’t have anybody in it that I am or was closely related to or have any association with anymore, but it was people I knew & it was from an event that I attended. I had a complete flashback to that time period of my life & remember how I felt going to that event & any other event like it. I constantly had a ball of anxiety sitting in the pit of my stomach because of how I knew a person in my life would react when they found out I was around guys. There would be a fight. I would be called names & potentially “dumped.” I would probably cry by the time I went to bed, only for it to be over the next day, save some snarky remarks. It’s weird how something so random can spark memories & feelings like that.
I’M STILL NOT REMEMBERING WHAT IT WAS…maybe it was my app story?
I was laying on my side…on my left side, when I had it.
Rewind to when I plugged my phone in to charge, I had a thought about writing a blog about not waiting for life to begin anymore. That’s another lengthy post though.
Okay, I need to pause this because I’m going out tonight with a cute 6’4 CFP that laughs at my jokes.
I STILL PRAY FOR MY EXES!! I REMEMBERED!
I think. I think that was it. I’m 98.6% sure that was it because I thought, yeah, that’ll be a quick and easy post but it also feeds into the longer post about my beliefs & religion & whatnot. Anyway, I pray for my exes.
When I go to bed, if I don’t immediately fall asleep, I pray three times. I pray the typical, “Now I lay me down to sleep,” prayer, the Lord’s prayer, and an “improv” prayer.
I was taught the, “Now I lay me,” prayer when I was a wee one like this:
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord , my soul please take. God bless Mommy, Daddy, Ashleigh and Catherine, and help me be a good girl, in Jesus name, Amen.”
As our family grew, I added names and when I started seriously dating, I added my boyfriend.
“God bless Mommy, Daddy, Ashleigh, Catherine, Ty, Annie, Carl, & Kanye*.”
*Names changed to protect yada yada yada.
That relationship lasted for a few years and had a messy ending. It left me broken & bitter, sad & angry for a long time after. Out of spite, I took him out of my prayers. The only thing I prayed for regarding that situation was to help me forget him & get over it. I went through phases where I didn’t pray as much, but every now & then I would say my prayers & I’d trip up & accidentally include him in the “God Bless” line-up. I’d cringe & start over. That sounds terrible, but I was angry & hurt & the fact that he was so engrained in my prayers felt like someone twisting a knife they’d stabbed me in the gut with. WOW, I’m dramatic. It wasn’t that bad, but it was still really annoying. I was annoyed that he treated me so terribly in the end (remember I said this was one sided. I don’t think I was completely innocent in the situation now but at one time I did), but I was still praying for him to be #blessed. Semi-accidentally, but I doubt God takes away a blessing from someone just because you’re butt hurt.
As time passed & I healed, I started dating again. I added this new boy to my prayers. I was excited to add someone new & to fill the empty space so I didn’t accidentally say the old boyfriend’s name again. Except I did. I was half asleep & saying my prayers & it just came out. It woke me up. Old habits die hard. I hadn’t thought about him for awhile but the past has a way of popping up now & again. Either because it wants you to realize something, learn something, or just to make you feel feelings…it happens. I laid there with my eyes open for a moment.
What does this mean? It doesn’t mean anything right? Just a slip of the tongue, right? Just start over. It’s fine.
I started my prayer over & totally nailed my “God Bless” line up, but I felt worse.
Why am I not praying for him? I should pray for him. He’s not this villain I made him out to be. He’s human. A human I shared life experiences with. We were both young & dumb & didn’t know how to treat each other…I hate to admit he was right about a few things, but he was right. Just because he hurt me once upon a time & he’s not in my life anymore, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wish him well. I should pray for him. Let us pray.
“God Bless Momma, Daddy, Ashleigh, Catherine, Ty, Annie, Carl, Kanye & Aaron Rodgers*.”
Guys, if you knew anything about these guys these code names would be HILARIOUS.
Anyway, more time has passed & now it’s:
“God Bless Momma, Daddy, Ashleigh, Catherine, Ty, Annie, Carl, Kanye, Aaron Rodgers, & Buffy the Vampire Slayer*”
Maybe one day it’ll end up:
“God Bless Mommy, Daddy, Ashleigh, Catherine, Ty, Annie, Carl, Kanye, Aaron Rodgers, Buffy, & Chris Pratt’s super single clone.”
Who knows. Anything can happen. Or at some point I’ll edit it & just move them to the “improv” prayer. All those names don’t quite roll as well as just one or two, but yeah. That was what I wanted to blog about. If you pray, pray for those you love & those that hurt you. People are just people and we all make mistakes. We all have hurt someone else in some way, shape, or form so don’t demonize those that hurt you. Forgive them. Some things are harder to forgive than others. Some things may seem unforgivable. If I lost a family member at the fault of someone else, I honestly don’t know if I could. Just keep in mind, in the day to day, we all screw up.
Alright, this is 3 pages of unedited train-of-thought minutia, though I totally had to Google how to spell that. I’m sure some of this makes me sound crazy, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the past & my relationships & friendships. I’m also thinking about the present & future, I’m not just wallowing in the past; But my present is pretty smooth sailing, I’m optimistic about my future…my past has left some scars and sometimes it’s fun & interesting to reflect on why & how things affected you.
This was not at all the great post idea I thought it was when I couldn’t remember it.
C’est la vie.