Maybe it’s unnecessary to explain myself, but I feel like getting this out of my system so I can move on to a fresh start.

I’m no longer a Beachbody coach. My decision has nothing to do with Beachbody itself. I enjoyed the fitness programs & [when combined with discipline] they gave fantastic results. I’ve always enjoyed shakes & Shakeology is a great one, & I love the positive and encouraging people that surround you when you become a part of the company. Seriously, everyone is super supportive & truly want for you to succeed, which is one of the biggest reasons why I felt like such a failure when I decided to quit.

I fell down the rabbit hole of self-deprecation for a couple of weeks to properly mourn the loss of a dream I thought I had & originally wrote a lengthy post about failure & self-hatred. I managed to pull myself out of it before I could finish the post because I am a hella slow writer, but don’t worry, those feelings always creep back around & you will read about my inner turmoil soon enough…if you’d like. Please contain your excitement.

Mostly, I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I was beginning to stress about it and I didn’t feel good about myself anymore. I felt like I was putting in effort and trying really hard for little to no return, but I also knew I wasn’t putting in enough effort for it to work. Why didn’t I put in the extra effort for something I wanted? I didn’t want it enough. I said I wanted it. I thought I wanted it. When it came down to it though, I wanted other things more. I wanted to spend time with my friends and go to classes and make YouTube videos instead of sitting alone in my apartment sending messages to people trying to explain why they should jump on this bandwagon with me when I wasn’t 100% sure why I was even on it anymore. Originally, for me, Beachbody was a surge of positivity at a time when I really needed it. The program I did trimmed me up, made me feel great, I gained a new support system, and it gave me a glimmer of hope for a future of freedom (aka working from home). I wanted Beachbody to become my full-time income so I could quit working full-time for someone else & work on my own creative projects. The dream, right? Totes. But I realized that in spending my time trying to make it work, I quit creating. I was spending my time stressing about talking to people & thinking of Facebook/Instagram posts & worrying about not doing the right workout & what I was eating. I was focusing on all the wrong aspects of it, but couldn’t push myself past my problems. It was like trying to put together a puzzle after blacking out the picture…and maybe cutting off some of the little protruding earlobe pieces.

The saying that kills me is the entrepreneur’s creed, “Live a few years of your life like most won’t, so you can spend the rest of your life like most can’t.”

I get it. I’m a 20-something & I’m supposed to hustle & struggle & start setting up the foundation for the rest of my life, 401K, yada yada yada. Well, I’m obviously not 100% crystal clear on what I’m building yet, but I know that I want to focus on & create more than social media posts and unboxing videos. I want to create things that are fulfilling, things that make people feel something. Even if it’s just, “Ugh, this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen/read/felt,” because that’s a feeling too. People remember their worsts. Other than blog posts and YouTube videos, I haven’t really created anything since grad school & that makes me incredibly sad & disappointed in myself. Thanks to my friend, Kadie, cultivating a Harry Potter fan in me, & listening to “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert (twice), I want to write a book. I also want to make a movie. I have stories inside my brain & I want them to play outside. I’m tired of talking about “being creative” and not actually creating anything.

I love the Beachbody atmosphere and people. It really is a great opportunity, & maybe I’ll jump back into it one day. Thoughts & feelings change all day every day. Maybe I’ll learn how to manage my time efficiently (get faster at writing) & give social anxiety the boot & finally learn how to make it work. Right now, though, if I have to spend time struggling & sucking at something, I’d rather it be something I know without a doubt my heart is on board. Something that I get so sucked into, I don’t realize time is passing. Something I would excitedly stay up past my bedtime to do. Something I would forego drying my hair & putting on clothes to do…yes, this is my current situation. Hey, girl, hey. #writenaked [This is also day 3 of writing this post. I told you, hella slow.]

I want to build some skills, not a business [right now].

Napoleon-Dynamite-skills-gif.gif

And if my skills someday lead me to a build-my-own-business opportunity…BAM, I’m living the dream.

I’m just trying to find what’s right for me & what makes my soul happy so that when I die I’m okay with what happened here & what I leave behind.

Advertisements