Dear Future Husband,

I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, don’t care what

you did (I’m probably lying)…as long as you accept these things about me:

1 – My snoring. I’m only human.

2 – My 5lb dog sleeping on your crotch. She loves butt snuggles.

3 – Celebrating holidays. I’m festive AF.

4 – That being said, we will have a big Halloween party, a la Allison’s family in Hocus                 Pocus. I’ll bring the yabos. It’s my birthday month, you must do as I say.

5 – At some point, you’re going to wake up in the middle of the night & notice that I’m not there. You’ll get up, confused, and make your way around the house. You’ll see a light coming from the kitchen and you’ll peek around the corner, and there I’ll be…in front of the refrigerator, naked, chugging chocolate almond milk from the carton.

6 – Sometimes we’re going to have to order two pizzas.

7 – I will kick your butt on old school Nintendo. Classic Concentration, sucka.

8 – I’m probably going to have bourbon breath when we go out.

9 – I don’t iron. I steam. If you want those nice, crisp creases, that’s on you.

10 – I will never cook anything with tomatoes. You’ll have to outsource that job.

11 – I have hobbies. I like having hobbies. Support my hobbies & I’ll support yours. Let’s find hobbies to have together!

12 – I want a creative career & that’s not always a clear or easy path. I promise to contribute & maintain balance & support your endeavors as long as you promise the same. Teamwork!

13 – I don’t care how or where I squeeze the toothpaste tube.

14 – Every Valentine’s Day, you have to get me a big heart box of assorted chocolates. You don’t have to do anything else coughcoughcough.

15 – Ice cream has a shelf life of 5 minutes in my house.

16 – We have to listen to stand up comedy when we stop for fast food on long car rides. Specifically Patton Oswalt or Jim Gaffigan fast food bits. It makes me feel less terrible if we’re semi self aware of the terrible.

17 – Products. Lots of beauty products every where, forever & ever amen.

18 – Hair. Everywhere. I find little hairballs wrapped around the thin straps on my underwear every time I pull them out of the dryer.

19 – I will do my chores in some sort of robe/pj pants/onesie/slippers combo.

20 – I will film everything…except that.



P.S. This is only part one. KLOVEYOUBYE.

P.P.S. This post is also in video form on my YouTube here: